Being a Dad

In preparation for Father's day this year I thought I would expound on what it means for me to be a dad.

First off.

My wife had asked me to write a caption about what I was feeling or thinking as I leaned over a sleeping newly born Samuel.

Here goes:

Well at first, just pure raw emotion. When Samuel was born it washed over me undefined and raw, an emotion that brought tears to the eye and warmth to the heart and some fear to the gut. It took a while to pin down where the fear came from. But time since he was born has pinned that fear down to the unconditional love for another human being. With that love comes fear of any harm befalling that which has so wrapped itself around your heart. Time will, I trust, also teach me that that type of love comes at the price of giving up that fear, letting him make his own mistakes, learn his own lessons, live his own life. The component that brought tears was not fear, but joy. It is an unmistakable feeling and it was complete. Life is a remarkable thing and when you are in the presence of new life it is in a word, holy. At least as holy as you can get here on Earth. No amount of prayer compares to the miracle of a new human being.

Second off:

That was Samuel. Benjamin was our second and his arrival was very familar but yet so different. When he was born all the same raw intertwined emotion was there - but there was a new note, you see he may be our last child. We have not decided fully yet, but the odds are that he is. There was some sadness. Sadness that this event may be my last. Time again will tell if that emotion rings true.

Third off:

Benjamin will be 1 year old tomorrow. Samuel is sneaking up on three in August. My examination of fatherhood at this point is that it is less scary than I had thought: I have adapted, I can love these two new human beings, I can raise them to be good people. And yet there is still a fear, still the desire to protect them from that which would harm them in this world, even if it cost me my life. I look at our world today and pray and hope that my sons will not come to harm in it. But instead will live bountiful and fruitful lives. This is my prayer.